The fact that I was looking for a pen (or was it lipgloss?) isn’t really important here. What matters is that last Monday afternoon, I went digging in my purse and ended up with the following things:
11 bobby pins
A tin of Altoids
A Tide-To-Go pen
Various tubes/tubs of lip balm (5 to be exact)
A cheese stick from 2 weeks ago
Hand sanitizer (2 small travel bottles, half used)
Vitamin C supplement packets
Two yellow matchbox cars
A package of Instant Oatmeal
All of these items in addition to my wallet, my cosmetic bag (it’s own microcosm. We won’t even go there) and my day planner. Ya’ll. I swear to you, my purse isn’t even *that* big. Still, it is pretty heavy at times.
It should come as little shock to you, but I believe in being completely and overly prepared. For everything. If there is a contingency plan to be had, I want to have thought it through. If there is a nose to wipe, I want tissues. If there could be a potential spill or stain, the need for a spontaneous snack, the sudden onset of a cold requiring immediate vitamin support, I want to have the means to take care of it. Part of this comes from being a mom, but even before that, I carried lots of things. It has come to be a total coping mechanism for all of my anxieties. I’m 223.2% aware of this need to have ALL THE THINGS just in case ALL THE THINGS HAPPEN. Self awareness is a start, right?
It’s amazing to me when I think about it, all the things I carry with me all of the time, because it’s not just about the physical stuff. The emotional stuff weighs just as much, if not more. And man, is there a lot of it.
I am my very own beast of burden.
So much…stuff. I carry it all around with me everywhere I go. I let it keep me company. I let it whisper sweet nothings, shout vile abuse and horrible accusations. But, do I need to? After all, it is my choice, right?
What would happen if I didn’t carry all those things? Would the world suddenly grind to a halt?
Intellectually, I know the answer. Of course nothing would fall to shambles. Truth be told, it would probably be much easier to access all the things I actually do need when I actually need them if I didn’t have to sort through all the muckety-muck. In my brain, I know this to be true.
My heart is a very different beast, entirely.