My subconscious is a total bitch.
Yesterday wasn’t a remarkable day but it was a good day. I finally felt like more than a half-self for the first day in about a week. The sun was shining brightly. I had an appetite, no headache. I didn’t feel like an alien in my own universe. I woke up and decided that if I was going to have a choice, I would choose to be good.
Last night was restless, and fitful. I had nightmare upon fretful nightmare. I was caught somewhere between work scenarios gone horribly bad, past arguments that never actually happened with people I no longer speak with, and even a vignette where Sam almost drowned because of me.
I woke up with a headache and that familiar pit in my stomach. And, I suppose I feel angry. I am so angry with that place inside where all of those fears and insecurities bubbled up from.
Still, I know that there’s a force inside of me that can balance it all out. I still have a choice. I can still choose to let the crap thoughts go and have a good day. So that’s what I’m doing. Today.