Equinox

I’ve been having such a mixed year so far. I feel like I am spinning my wheels most days, doing all I physically can and still barely breaking even.

I finally had a few days at work that I would actually refer to as productive, I had a few evenings when I broke the cycle of falling asleep at 8:30 pm. I got on the elliptical. I even cleaned out my closet this weekend. I did loads and loads of laundry and put it all away. This morning I made meals for the rest if the week so our nights won’t be so jammed. It feels so good to be productive.

And yet, I feel so…sad. I’ve been going through a funk that has been simmering for a while. I’ve been trying to figure out who I am, who my friends are. Do I even like who I am? Do I even have friends? Of course, the answer is yes.

Intellectually I know this.

But the truth is, I’m letting a few choice individuals and some recently passed events color my perception and because I’m so stubborn introspective that I’ll drive myself crazy trying to figure out just how screwed up I really am when it’s probably not even about me. And if it is? So what?

Problem is that I’m not so good at ‘so what’. And then I beat myself up about that, too. Argh.

I’m sensing the need for something. A shift. An equinox of my own making. But to what? For what purpose? What will my next season be like? I guess only I can answer that…and it scares the bejesus out of me.

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One thought on “Equinox

  1. Ugh. I know this feeling. It takes a TON for me to say “so what” to anything. Even the smallest of things. Thankfully I have a husband who is much quicker to make that conclusion.

    Transitions suck as they’re happening. We often get thrown into them against our will. But I have no doubt you’ll come out the other side a champion.

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