It’s a cold spring morning here. The sun is coming in long beams from the east. Birds are singing and the street is quiet. I love Sunday mornings.
My mind has been racing alot lately. There’s been alot to deal with since we found out we were pregnant. Between work woes, an aging parent, and trying to wrap our brains around the biggest change our lives will ever know I have been having a hard time keeping up with myself.
First off, I’ve been scared to death lately because of this pregnancy. When I was a tot myself, I could pick any random inanimate object and figure out a way to swing it sweetly in my arms, give it imaginary bottles, and hum lullabyes. It is weird to want something for as long as you can remember and then have it come true. I’m getting energy back and I don’t feel like I’m gonna toss my cookies every five minutes. My waist has expanded just enough to make me look fat, but not pregnant. I won’t be able to feel any movement for another 4 weeks. At times, it doesn’t feel real and I spend alot of my waking hours wondering if it is or expecting something to go wrong. I’ve been having dreams galore (ok, maybe really two but isn’t two enough?) about losing the baby and it has been making me so sad.
But then I had my monthly appointment yesterday and we got to hear the whooshwhooshwhooshwhoosh of the baby’s heartbeat and I couldn’t stop grinning. Sweet baby, sweet relief.
Muddled in with all of my concerns about this baby are, of course, more concerns about my Dad. He was finally released from rehab and the nursing faciltiy back to his assisted living arrangement last Friday. When I spoke with him on the phone, he’d been out on a fishing excursion, he’d been on the weekly Walmart trip, etc. He was wheeling around with his walker, which he nicknamed “road runner”. He sounded great. Not perfect. Not where he was before this heart stuff began. But he sounded great. This Friday, we get a call that he was sent back to the ER at Thomas Hospital because he was complaining of a non descript bad feeling that something was wrong. They admitted him, found fluid around his heart, a UTI, a possible clot in his leg, and a lesion on his right rib that needs to be checked out to see more. His speech has also gone back down the hill. He’s making total sense, but he sounds like he’s got a mouth full of marbles and he’s hard to understand. He has also expressed that he’s having some trouble chewing. Lord knows what that all means. So, here we are in waiting mode. Again. Atleast I’ve done this kind of waiting before.
At work, I’m trying my best to manage and lead with my own voice, as opposed to those of my superiors. Every day is a challenge. While some challenges like this are exciting, they are also completely draining aren’t they? Oy.
As we were walking out of the doctor’s office yesterday, I had my hand on my stomach. I patted it gently and said softly “Just keep going, Baby.” Guess I gotta show that baby how it’s done.