My emotions have been a little confused the last few days, it seems. I went from feeling hopeful to feeling disappointed to feeling happy despite my disappointment to feeling afraid to feeling excited to feeling unsure to feeling confused to feeling excited, to feeling anxious, to feeling completely disappointed and confused and sad and resigned and doubtful and utterly frustrated all the way back to feeling hopeful and unsure, but mostly happy, although still frustrated. Does this ever happen to you? Not necessarily feeling a multitude of emotions, but feeling a multitude of emotions and being so incredibly aware of each and every one?
From the outside, our weekend appears infallible so far–we went to a movie yesterday afternoon (Inception–YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE. I AM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING–IT WAS SO RIDICULOUSLY GOOD) chased by dinner at the most delicious burger place. Then we stopped by our friends/neighbor’s house to catch up and take in another film (Hot Tub Time Machine–the polar opposite of Inception. Pretty mindless, but it made me laugh). This morning was a little rough, but with some resolve not to let my moods pull me completely under and a husband that has done nothing but hug when I need to be hugged and laugh with me when I needed to laugh, I think I may have turned the corner for now.
We are hanging out at home, making pickles and hot sauce from scratch (what, you guys don’t do that on your Saturday afternoons?) and I’m trying to get a grip on this hairy buffalo of emotions I am feeling. This whole making a baby thing is rough and it’s really hard for me because a) I want it so much, b) I find it unnerving to feel so certain it had happened when, in fact, it has not. I feel like I can’t trust myself and that feels pretty craptastic to say the least., and finally c) I am not in control and have no say as to when and how and under what terms this will happen for us. So we wait.