Hi. Remember me? Yeah, me neither.
I wish I could say that my lack of posting was in an effort to preserve the image of my flannel wearing, veggie-burger eating, future second husband on the main page. But I’d only be half-truthing you. Sorry Eddie. I had to bump you.
You see, the last several days, I’ve been hard pressed to recognize my normally happy and upbeat self. I’m not gonna lie. I’m just plain overwhelmed. Work has been pretty damn demanding. I’ve been working late into the evening most nights this week. And last week. And the week before. And in April. Well, you get the picture. And if that ain’t enough, Kevin is preparing for his trip to El Salvador, preparing to officially graduate from his MBA program, and nursing his strained back. We’ve been planning for his graduation ceremony and subsequent party. We’re dealing with major appliance malfunctions, drunk drivers crashing their cars into our front yard, and unexplained sleep deprivation. Oh, and we’re trying to get pregnant. There. I said it.
It feels weird confessing something like this in such a public forum but it feels equally awkward not sharing it. In fact, I’ve been quite conflicted about sharing the baby-making aspect of my life. Truth be told, I’m terrified. As each of the last few months has passed, I hope and pray with everything that I have that it will happen for us and when it doesn’t, I feel so…dejected. For the most part, I’ve been trying to be upbeat about it because we haven’t been trying very long. I take my vitamins every day. I cut back both my alcohol and caffeine consumption. I’m not taking my temperature but I am mapping cycles each month. I think I’m doing all of the right things. At times, it is hard not to feel like we’re doing something wrong. Mostly, though, I know that our baby will be when it’s ready to be.
Then there are days like Wednesday when, in the middle of a wicked week, I had a night of fitful sleep with lots of bad dreams. Dreams where folks I know to not be in the baby stage of their lives yet were pregnant and asking me if I ever thought I would be, while they glowed the pregnant glow and rubbed their baby bumps. Even in my dreams I can’t get pregnant! I don’t know why I’m surprised. When I was a teenager, I never dreamt about getting the boy I wanted. Someone else always got him instead. Why should my dreams as a barely thirtysomething be any different?
After a dream like that, I woke up pissed. I wore black. I fussed at Kevin every chance I got. I let the tiniest things get to me. I was not. happy. But I got over that when I realized that A) It may have come from my subconcious, but that doesn’t make it TRUE and B) Our baby will be when it’s ready to be. No amount of dishes being done, laundry being folded, work hours being logged, and all-things being perfect will make that happen any sooner.
So I’m fighting my way back. My super crazy weeks are almost through. I’m taking a long Memorial Weekend to visit the newest niece, Halen Elizabeth, and to celebrate Hannah’s graduation from Kindergarten and my 31st birthday with my sister and Mom–something I haven’t been able to do in years. Most importantly, we’ll just. keep. trying. If May isn’t our month, perhaps June will be. There’s something to be said about hope.
In the meantime, I’ll try to snuggle every little baby I can…and maybe cut myself a little slack, too.