Many of you know of my recent beef with the universe, what with it’s wishy-washy attitude towards me lately. It gives a little, takes alot, gives a little more, takes again. I know I’ve written about it alot, but it’s this constant ebb and flow I’m experiencing. Remember that post about my new mantra? Right. At times, this motion is lovely. Mostly though, it is maddening. I’m beginning to feel like I can’t catch a break.
I talked with my father last night and things are not good. The down and dirty of it is that my father’s cancer markers are elevated–nearly double of what they were at this time last year. Daddy’s prostate cancer was diagnosed when I was 14 years old. He did radiation therapy and things looked good. But if you know anything about prostate cancer (and I hope you that you don’t), you know that when it comes back, it comes back slowly. Also, numbers go up with age. So it’s no surprise to me that his numbers have gone up. The man is 78, for cryin out loud. For now, it’s unclear what this elevation means and what course of treatment will be best. Obviously, given Daddy’s age and diabetes, options are limited. Only time will tell…
I was reeling last night. I slept poorly, and woke up sad. I spent most of the day sad, in fact. Sad, and angry because I was feeling so raw when I knew better.
Yet, the sun kept shining. It was mild out. I had a great meeting this morning and even managed to fight off the urge to eat whole handfuls of hersheys kisses from the snack closet at the office. Good things were happening all over the place. Or rather, the world didn’t crumble around me like it felt like it should have.
Probably the best thing to come of this day was the fact that Kevin and I purchased 3 nights/4 days at the Marriott & Casino in San Juan (thanks to our auction fundraiser at work). Finally, we’ve chosen a location. Finally my sweet, sweet vacation is in sight! Light! Sun! Warmth! I am elated, but there’s still that part of me that thinks “What now?” While I’m glad that the Universe has decided to give me a bigger sign, I am not fully committed to a state of love and trust if you know what I’m saying.
Lettie turned 30 yesterday and wrote a post with a similar theme–feeling blessed with life amongst certain tragedy. This is certainly becoming to be more of a theme in my life than I recall. I’m not totally sure I can attribute it all to being 30, but it is beginning to feel that way.
So, Universe, if you’re reading this I haven’t given up on you completely…yet. And friends, if you’re reading this, say a little prayer for my daddy will ya?