Confessions from the status-quo

I had a review today. It did not go well. Seems despite my best efforts, I’m still not working hard enough or taking enough initiative. There were lots of true statements made during this review, so I do not want to make it seem as though I did not take comments to heart, or that I’m not interested in improving myself, my skills, and that the opinions of my superiors do not matter. (They do. In fact, they probably matter more than they ultimately should).

What concerns me most a) that I managed not to learn from my previous mistake and b)that somehow, I’ve given the impression that I’m happy “just doing” instead of wowing/causing great awe/etc. I’ve also apparently caused others to question: 1) whether or not I’m driven 2) whether or not I care about our mission and 3) whether or not I’ve been actually doing any work for the past 6 months. I feel utterly deflated today. Like when a child wins a balloon at a birthday party or a carnival and they feel like the luckiest kid in the world walking hand-in hand with their parent back to the car. Their balloon is the biggest, bestest, and highest flying balloon in the world! And then they let their fingers loosen for just a millionth of a nano-second…and the balloon is gone. Floating higher and higher (afterall, it is the highest flying balloon) until it gets lodged in a claw of tree branches. It hangs on the hope that a wind will blow it free, but the wind never comes. The wind never comes and weeks go by. Months later, that same child is walking in that same park, or down that same street, and she doesn’t even look up to see the balloon, deflated and hanging from the branches. She’s just spotted a clown handing out balloons…. (you see where I’m going with this right?)

At times, I’m not sure which represents me more: the clueless child who just should’ve hung on tighter to the balloon–or atleast mourned it’s loss and realized that she needed to have someone tie it to her clothing so it wouldn’t go missing like the last one; or am I the balloon, once full of hope and ambition, but completely void of confidence (atleast at present) and hanging on for dear life?

***

In other news, Kevin and I put in a bid for a house! Things aren’t looking great right now because their realtor apparently thinks he’s got the balls of an elephant and is driving some hard bargains. They came back with a counter offer less than 12 hours after we wrote up the deal (a good sign?). So we counter counter-offered. Who knows what they’ll decide. Kevin has put his foot down and said we’ll walk away no problem if we can’t come to terms. I think he’s right. This market is shitty, to say the least. The house has been on the market since May 2007. You’d think they’d take any offer. Especially with nicer houses for sale on that same street.

We’ll keep you posted.

***

Also, not to steal their thunder but the Mulder’s gave birth to Adeline Emma (a.k.a., Dela) today! After a dramatic entrance, Mom, baby, and frazzled father are doing fine. She’ll be in the hospital a couple of days for observation and anti-biotics, but all seems well. Hard to believe there’s all this drama and self pity going on when two of my very favoritest of people were blessed with such a gift. On an ordinary day, little could’ve managed to scrape me from the bottom of the proverbial stiletto boot that stomped on me today. But Dela, honey, you saved me.

How can life be so bad when there’s a wee-one and a brand new happy family?

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